We Are the Champions
We found this dig-vid program,
a list of the scheduled events
of the Games of the CCLth Olympiad,
to be held under the auspices of the
Inter-Solar-System Olympic Committee
(ISSOC)
[ISSOC was the descendant
of the frequently neofascist
Terran International Olympic Committee]
Events to be held on Earth:
Athletics for Androids
Athletics for Genetically-Altered Humans
Athletics for Chemically-Altered Humans
Athletics for All-Original Humans
Ultimate Pankration
(to the ancient Greeks' two rules
(no biting, no eye-gouging)
was added a third rule:
all combat must be one-to-one,
no ganging up permitted,
as all the combatants will be competing
in the fight area at the same time
The last person left standing is the winner)
Also: Wrestling, Swimming
for the four categories of organisms
listed previously for athletics
(all competitors to be considered human
no matter what planetary body they come from,
unless
conclusive proof is given
showing the athlete no longer belongs
to one of the four categories;
challenges
to an athlete's membership in
any particular category
must be made before the competition is held)
Events to be held on moons:
Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea (and Back)
(watercraft able to withstand the pressure
will race to the bottom and then back to the top
of the sixty-mile deep ocean on Ganymede
There will be two competitions:
one an individual time trial
where each competitor races separately,
and
one a race where all competitors
will be racing at the same time
on a defined course)
Speed Skating on Methane Lakes
(Skaters will skate the same distances on Titan
they used to skate back when there was ice on Earth,
and
as important as the participants' athletic ability
will be their ability to create skates from materials
that will minimize the friction generated
so as not to thaw the frozen lakes)
Cliff Diving
(On Miranda,
competitors
wearing parachute suits
will dive off Verona Rupes,
the highest cliff in the solar system,
and
will pull their parachutes at the prescribed time
Two gold medals will be awarded:
one for the greatest survived adrenaline rush,
one for the least rush of adrenaline,
those physiological responses
recorded by on-person monitors
wired directly to the divers
immediately pre-dive
in order to prevent cheating)
Geyser Riding
(a competition held to see who can ride
the nitrogen geyser on Triton
the furthest without falling off
Anyone who can ride all the way to the top
will automatically receive a medal)
[Any record of other events,
and a record of who won these events,
has been lost]
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